One year ago today

I almost died.


The events of that day stay with me in stark detail, jumbled snapshots burned on my brain.

Lauren in the hall is saying "Lindsay, your face is so white" and then her voice is far away and she is saying "Ryan, Ryan help me, I can't hold her up!" I wake up and I am lying on shoes.

Later I have fainted again and I am lying face-down on the bathroom rug. It is soft on my face and I don't want to get up; I can't get up.

In the ambulance the paramedic is putting another IV in my arm, so steady even though we are moving quickly. She asks me how I am feeling. She tells the driver to go faster.

The doctor sees me from far away and already knows what is wrong. There are so many nurses, like angels, over my shoulder. What I feel is not pain, not weakness. It is strange. It feels like I am disappearing. "Please help me."

In the operating room they ask me to move onto the table. I laugh to myself. I can't do it.

Finally I wake up. I am alive. I am so grateful.

To say the least it was a terrifying night. We knew I was pregnant, about seven weeks along. We could not have predicted this end. Ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing in the tube instead of the uterus, and when the tube ruptured it caused massive internal bleeding. I had no idea.

In the story of my life there is now a giant pause. My life stopped. I was in the hospital for five days. When I went home I slept almost all day, every day. Slowly I began to gain strength. It was nine weeks before I was normal again. I expected maybe to have a spiritual epiphany, having brushed closely with death. I was grateful to God because I knew I should be; I was grateful to all of the medical staff because my heart felt it intensely. It took me a long time to realize how God was revealing Himself in that time. Most significantly, He provided our friends, James and Lauren, who stood by our side so unselfishly, who were there in our greatest moment of need. God knew what I needed, and that is what He provided.

Since that day my life has rushed forward. Another ectopic pregnancy. Ryan became a Rescue Swimmer. My sister's wedding. Traveling, traveling, traveling. Moving to Alaska. Getting a job. Praying for guidance.

A year has gone by and we are once again praying that God will expand our family. We now know that it is going to be a long journey, requiring in vitro fertilization and/or adoption. Our hearts are aching but we are putting our hope in God.

One last note: A year ago today I lost half my blood volume. I received six units of blood transfusions. Six strangers, somewhere out there in the world, saved my life. I intended to give blood today in honor of those people who gave me that great gift. Unfortunately, this small island I live on has no donation facility. Instead I am adding my name to the list of on-call donors at the hospital, available in case they can't get blood from Anchorage in time. So I hope that one of you will take up the torch for me, thank God for your life today, and go save a life by giving blood.