Last night Ryan and I were sitting by the Christmas tree, planning our Christmas breakfast and speculating on what we would be unwrapping on Christmas morning. A few times one of us would say, "How about we open just one present now?" I was even tempted to suggest we throw tradition out the window and open them all up in one joyful, sneaky act of spontaneity.
All through the evening, we kept tempting each other to open the gifts. As we did so I was continually reminded of the symbolic significance of this time of the year. Anticipation. Looking forward to the greatest gift of all. Waiting for a savior.
When I wait for Christmas morning to open my gifts, I am re-creating, microscopically, the way that the world was waiting desperately for the Messiah. I am remembering the captivity of the hearts of mankind and the unexpected way God chose to set us free.
My favorite Christmas carol is a song of waiting. A song in the darkness, before the savior comes. "O come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel, that mourns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear." Then Jesus came to us. He "divided history" and brought us hope.
It may seem silly of me to attach such strong spiritual meaning to the presents under the tree. After all, we're adults; we're not supposed to care about presents any more. We're supposed to wish for "peace on earth" and be blessed just to have our family and friends around us. It's true. I would be happy without presents. I am overjoyed to have my dear Ryan here with me for Christmas, and many friends to share the day with. But I won't lie, I am looking forward to opening a few gifts on Christmas morning, and I am thankful this year that those gifts are giving me new eyes to see the tiny baby who changed our world.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
One year ago today
I almost died.
The events of that day stay with me in stark detail, jumbled snapshots burned on my brain.
Lauren in the hall is saying "Lindsay, your face is so white" and then her voice is far away and she is saying "Ryan, Ryan help me, I can't hold her up!" I wake up and I am lying on shoes.
Later I have fainted again and I am lying face-down on the bathroom rug. It is soft on my face and I don't want to get up; I can't get up.
In the ambulance the paramedic is putting another IV in my arm, so steady even though we are moving quickly. She asks me how I am feeling. She tells the driver to go faster.
The doctor sees me from far away and already knows what is wrong. There are so many nurses, like angels, over my shoulder. What I feel is not pain, not weakness. It is strange. It feels like I am disappearing. "Please help me."
In the operating room they ask me to move onto the table. I laugh to myself. I can't do it.
Finally I wake up. I am alive. I am so grateful.
To say the least it was a terrifying night. We knew I was pregnant, about seven weeks along. We could not have predicted this end. Ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing in the tube instead of the uterus, and when the tube ruptured it caused massive internal bleeding. I had no idea.
In the story of my life there is now a giant pause. My life stopped. I was in the hospital for five days. When I went home I slept almost all day, every day. Slowly I began to gain strength. It was nine weeks before I was normal again. I expected maybe to have a spiritual epiphany, having brushed closely with death. I was grateful to God because I knew I should be; I was grateful to all of the medical staff because my heart felt it intensely. It took me a long time to realize how God was revealing Himself in that time. Most significantly, He provided our friends, James and Lauren, who stood by our side so unselfishly, who were there in our greatest moment of need. God knew what I needed, and that is what He provided.
Since that day my life has rushed forward. Another ectopic pregnancy. Ryan became a Rescue Swimmer. My sister's wedding. Traveling, traveling, traveling. Moving to Alaska. Getting a job. Praying for guidance.
A year has gone by and we are once again praying that God will expand our family. We now know that it is going to be a long journey, requiring in vitro fertilization and/or adoption. Our hearts are aching but we are putting our hope in God.
One last note: A year ago today I lost half my blood volume. I received six units of blood transfusions. Six strangers, somewhere out there in the world, saved my life. I intended to give blood today in honor of those people who gave me that great gift. Unfortunately, this small island I live on has no donation facility. Instead I am adding my name to the list of on-call donors at the hospital, available in case they can't get blood from Anchorage in time. So I hope that one of you will take up the torch for me, thank God for your life today, and go save a life by giving blood.
The events of that day stay with me in stark detail, jumbled snapshots burned on my brain.
Lauren in the hall is saying "Lindsay, your face is so white" and then her voice is far away and she is saying "Ryan, Ryan help me, I can't hold her up!" I wake up and I am lying on shoes.
Later I have fainted again and I am lying face-down on the bathroom rug. It is soft on my face and I don't want to get up; I can't get up.
In the ambulance the paramedic is putting another IV in my arm, so steady even though we are moving quickly. She asks me how I am feeling. She tells the driver to go faster.
The doctor sees me from far away and already knows what is wrong. There are so many nurses, like angels, over my shoulder. What I feel is not pain, not weakness. It is strange. It feels like I am disappearing. "Please help me."
In the operating room they ask me to move onto the table. I laugh to myself. I can't do it.
Finally I wake up. I am alive. I am so grateful.
To say the least it was a terrifying night. We knew I was pregnant, about seven weeks along. We could not have predicted this end. Ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing in the tube instead of the uterus, and when the tube ruptured it caused massive internal bleeding. I had no idea.
In the story of my life there is now a giant pause. My life stopped. I was in the hospital for five days. When I went home I slept almost all day, every day. Slowly I began to gain strength. It was nine weeks before I was normal again. I expected maybe to have a spiritual epiphany, having brushed closely with death. I was grateful to God because I knew I should be; I was grateful to all of the medical staff because my heart felt it intensely. It took me a long time to realize how God was revealing Himself in that time. Most significantly, He provided our friends, James and Lauren, who stood by our side so unselfishly, who were there in our greatest moment of need. God knew what I needed, and that is what He provided.
Since that day my life has rushed forward. Another ectopic pregnancy. Ryan became a Rescue Swimmer. My sister's wedding. Traveling, traveling, traveling. Moving to Alaska. Getting a job. Praying for guidance.
A year has gone by and we are once again praying that God will expand our family. We now know that it is going to be a long journey, requiring in vitro fertilization and/or adoption. Our hearts are aching but we are putting our hope in God.
One last note: A year ago today I lost half my blood volume. I received six units of blood transfusions. Six strangers, somewhere out there in the world, saved my life. I intended to give blood today in honor of those people who gave me that great gift. Unfortunately, this small island I live on has no donation facility. Instead I am adding my name to the list of on-call donors at the hospital, available in case they can't get blood from Anchorage in time. So I hope that one of you will take up the torch for me, thank God for your life today, and go save a life by giving blood.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
What I've been reading
Theophilus North
and
The Ides of March
A novel and historical fiction by Thornton Wilder
The first, I highly recommend; the second is a good read but not a must-read.
I, Claudius
and
Claudius the God
Historical fiction by Robert Graves
If you're interested in ancient Rome, you would enjoy these.
Conan Doyle
A biography by Julian Symons
Pretty interesting. A quick read.
Found Meals of the Lost Generation
Recipes and anecdotes from 1920s Paris by Suzanne Rodriguez-Hunter
Interesting topic and fascinating time period. Lame writing and obviously biased. I didn't finish it.
Up at the Villa
Novel by W Somerset Maugham
I liked it. Also a quick read.
The Woman in White
Novel by Wilkie Collins
Definitely not a quick read. Over 600 pages! I enjoyed it, but it got a little long toward the end. (Just resolve the mystery already!) If you're just a casual reader wanting to pick up a long, mid-1800's novel, there are much better options out there.
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Novel by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
A lot of people really enjoyed this, and it is a cute little story, but I thought the writing was a little flat.
What's next?
please leave a comment if you have a suggestion.
and
The Ides of March
A novel and historical fiction by Thornton Wilder
The first, I highly recommend; the second is a good read but not a must-read.
I, Claudius
and
Claudius the God
Historical fiction by Robert Graves
If you're interested in ancient Rome, you would enjoy these.
Conan Doyle
A biography by Julian Symons
Pretty interesting. A quick read.
Found Meals of the Lost Generation
Recipes and anecdotes from 1920s Paris by Suzanne Rodriguez-Hunter
Interesting topic and fascinating time period. Lame writing and obviously biased. I didn't finish it.
Up at the Villa
Novel by W Somerset Maugham
I liked it. Also a quick read.
The Woman in White
Novel by Wilkie Collins
Definitely not a quick read. Over 600 pages! I enjoyed it, but it got a little long toward the end. (Just resolve the mystery already!) If you're just a casual reader wanting to pick up a long, mid-1800's novel, there are much better options out there.
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Novel by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
A lot of people really enjoyed this, and it is a cute little story, but I thought the writing was a little flat.
What's next?
please leave a comment if you have a suggestion.
Friday, December 4, 2009
White Christmas
Who doesn't love this movie? I have to watch it every year. It's funny, and familiar, and so lame in parts but oh, so loveable.
But I am not here to talk about that.
When I was a little girl, I used to hope and pray every Christmas Eve that we would have a white Christmas. I wanted it so badly! I never doubted that it truly could happen for us. Of course, snow never came to our house on Christmas morning. I was never disappointed; all of us were used to warm weather and we enjoyed it!
Perhaps because of these childhood hopes, the frosty weather we have had so far this holiday season has given me a sort of childish joy. Sure, the ice on my driveway still needs to be chiseled off, but when I look out my window I see snow, sometimes fluttering slowly down, sometimes blowing sideways in the wind, but always covering the ground with pure whiteness.
Here is the view from our back porch a couple days ago.
Gorgeous, right? It's even better in the moonlight. It glows!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Winter
It is officially upon us.
Here in Kodiak, Alaska we've had snow for a few weeks now, but the past few days we've really had fun with snow+rain+ice! This morning we woke up to slushy, wet snow, falling gently and adding melty goodness to the compacted ice already frozen to our driveway, our cul-de-sac, and our street. It was warm today (high 30's) so I expected it to melt by the time I got home from work. Ahhh, no such luck. Here are some things I learned today out on the driveway.
1. There's a very good reason why people shovel snow. (No brainer, right?) I grew up where it doesn't snow--well, except once--so I always just assumed it was for convenience, and aesthetics. Turns out, it's for safety! When you don't clear your snow, it compacts, and melts a little, and compacts, and adheres itself to your driveway, and when you get a nice rain and a cold night, congratulations! Your front yard is a skating rink. Ryan bought me some ice cleats to slip over the soles of my shoes. Which I thought was pretty dorky, but I am seriously considering using them now. Especially since he gave me a pretty good wake-up call. I wasn't there to witness it but feature this: Ryan traipses down our porch steps, coffee mug in one hand, slice-o pecan pie in the other, hits the concrete landing and whoops! A stream of coffee like you see in slow-motion movie disasters flies through the air, and the pie hits the ground, as does Ryan's booty, and maybe his pride a little bit. But he was ok. And I am much more careful now. Thanks, Ryan!
2. There's a reason why they say shoveling snow can aggravate a heart problem. It's hard work! When it's powder, snow is all fun and games. But it turns into a big bully when a little slush gets mixed in. That crizap is heavy!
3. When the instructions on the Christmas lights say "connect no more than two strands together" they really mean it. Of course, we went ahead and connected five strands, which looked great for about three seconds until the fuse busted. (In the light, not the house.) Five fuses later, we made do with four strands and called it a day. That was lovely, for about three hours. Fuse, busted again. Poor Ryan, now he got really inventive and found another power source for one strand. And the other three, they are still all connected. Yes, we are rebels.
Another note about Kodiak . . . no one is selling Christmas trees around here! I heard that they get them at Wal-Crap a week before the big day, and they're all stale and dried out. No thank you! Someone else suggested we go out into the wilderness and cut one down. I get nervous about getting busted; I just can't do it! I come from a place where there are a LOT of rules about stealing from the woods. Therefore. We (I can't believe it) got a fake tree. Pre-lit! It was so easy to set up, and we were a little nervous at first that it would look horrible, but it really does look pretty nice. Not the same as a beautiful, piney, lush real tree. But we're happy.
Here in Kodiak, Alaska we've had snow for a few weeks now, but the past few days we've really had fun with snow+rain+ice! This morning we woke up to slushy, wet snow, falling gently and adding melty goodness to the compacted ice already frozen to our driveway, our cul-de-sac, and our street. It was warm today (high 30's) so I expected it to melt by the time I got home from work. Ahhh, no such luck. Here are some things I learned today out on the driveway.
1. There's a very good reason why people shovel snow. (No brainer, right?) I grew up where it doesn't snow--well, except once--so I always just assumed it was for convenience, and aesthetics. Turns out, it's for safety! When you don't clear your snow, it compacts, and melts a little, and compacts, and adheres itself to your driveway, and when you get a nice rain and a cold night, congratulations! Your front yard is a skating rink. Ryan bought me some ice cleats to slip over the soles of my shoes. Which I thought was pretty dorky, but I am seriously considering using them now. Especially since he gave me a pretty good wake-up call. I wasn't there to witness it but feature this: Ryan traipses down our porch steps, coffee mug in one hand, slice-o pecan pie in the other, hits the concrete landing and whoops! A stream of coffee like you see in slow-motion movie disasters flies through the air, and the pie hits the ground, as does Ryan's booty, and maybe his pride a little bit. But he was ok. And I am much more careful now. Thanks, Ryan!
2. There's a reason why they say shoveling snow can aggravate a heart problem. It's hard work! When it's powder, snow is all fun and games. But it turns into a big bully when a little slush gets mixed in. That crizap is heavy!
3. When the instructions on the Christmas lights say "connect no more than two strands together" they really mean it. Of course, we went ahead and connected five strands, which looked great for about three seconds until the fuse busted. (In the light, not the house.) Five fuses later, we made do with four strands and called it a day. That was lovely, for about three hours. Fuse, busted again. Poor Ryan, now he got really inventive and found another power source for one strand. And the other three, they are still all connected. Yes, we are rebels.
Another note about Kodiak . . . no one is selling Christmas trees around here! I heard that they get them at Wal-Crap a week before the big day, and they're all stale and dried out. No thank you! Someone else suggested we go out into the wilderness and cut one down. I get nervous about getting busted; I just can't do it! I come from a place where there are a LOT of rules about stealing from the woods. Therefore. We (I can't believe it) got a fake tree. Pre-lit! It was so easy to set up, and we were a little nervous at first that it would look horrible, but it really does look pretty nice. Not the same as a beautiful, piney, lush real tree. But we're happy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
blogger's block
Before I had a blog, all sorts of interesting topics popped into my head quite regularly and I would think, "If I had a blog, I would write about that!" Now that I actually have one, I'm running out of things to say.
Most people gear their blogs toward a certain topic, a purpose, or journey. Or, they blog about their kids. Hmm. I tried for awhile to think of something to blog about, but I realized: I just want somewhere to speak my mind and vent. So I won't promise to write about Kodiak, or living on an island, or how awesome it is to be married to a Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer. OK, I probably will mention those things sometimes. But I'll also write about books I read, food I like to cook, beginner's ballet, running, infertility, spirituality, and pet peeves. Who doesn't like to talk about pet peeves?
Some of you may be wondering about the title of this blog. I borrowed the line from one of my favorite poems, by W.B. Yeats.
Yeats was an Irish poet who won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1923. He also wrote the poem that begins, "I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree." Try for an Irish accent in your mind when you read Yeats. Trust me on this one.
Most people gear their blogs toward a certain topic, a purpose, or journey. Or, they blog about their kids. Hmm. I tried for awhile to think of something to blog about, but I realized: I just want somewhere to speak my mind and vent. So I won't promise to write about Kodiak, or living on an island, or how awesome it is to be married to a Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer. OK, I probably will mention those things sometimes. But I'll also write about books I read, food I like to cook, beginner's ballet, running, infertility, spirituality, and pet peeves. Who doesn't like to talk about pet peeves?
Some of you may be wondering about the title of this blog. I borrowed the line from one of my favorite poems, by W.B. Yeats.
Yeats was an Irish poet who won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1923. He also wrote the poem that begins, "I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree." Try for an Irish accent in your mind when you read Yeats. Trust me on this one.
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