to an isle in the water

Three years ago.

2011-12-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, I called my mom to tell her I was pregnant. I was planning to do it in a cuter, more sentimental way, but I needed the answer to a question, and it was late at night, so I called. "I keep fainting and I can't get up from the bathroom floor. Is this normal?"

I definitely didn't want to be the high-maintenance pregnant woman. If this was morning sickness, I could handle it.

Mom said, "call 911."

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Three years ago I was in the ER, and while the doctor was still walking toward me he identified the cause of my discomfort, "hemmorhage."

It seemed like immediately there was a bag of blood above me, and then I was shaking because of the blood going in me so fast, and then they gave me morphine and I felt much better.

------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------------

Three years ago tomorrow, I woke up with several incisions on my belly, one of them eight inches across. The doctor came in and ordered two more units of blood. That makes six altogether. They told me that was about half my blood supply.

------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------------

So much has happened since that day. A second pregnancy and loss, a new job for Ryan, moving to Alaska, a new job for me, and now finally... a third pregnancy. And going strong at 17 weeks. Our blessings are abundant.

------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------------

Here in Kodiak we don't have a blood donation center. Once a year the blood truck comes to town on the ferry and we have a chance to donate. Two years ago I donated. Since then I have had two more opportunities to give, but I wasn't able to because I was preparing for fertility treatments at the time. And now... I need to hoard all my blood supply for this precious little baby I'm growing.

I'm thankful today to be alive, and to be blessed with the ability to carry this pregnancy. I wish that I were able to donate blood today, but I hope some of you would be able to go in my place. Please, if you have a spare hour this week, go save a life and donate blood.

Sneak Peek!

2011-10-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, Ryan and I decided it was time to expand our little family. As you know, life does not always (ever?) go as planned. But it does go on, and at long last I am finally pregnant. Here is a bit of that story so far...

We traveled from Alaska to California on our secret mission. On the way to the clinic to go get our babies, we hit a bit of traffic on the 405. Good thing we left early!

At the clinic, the fertility specialist transferred two previously frozen embryos into my uterus. Including Ryan and me, there were five people in the room when I got pregnant. (!!!) This photo from the embryologist was our parting gift:

And then the wait began. The pregnancy blood test was scheduled for 12 days following the transfer. Of course I couldn't wait that long, and started peeing on home pregnancy tests much sooner than that. Here is our first real positive at 6 days post transfer: (one cheap dollar store test, one reliable First Response Early Result)

Then on the 12-day blood test, we got our definitive answer: positive! But we couldn't rest easy until it was confirmed to be intra-uterine pregnancy. I had my first ultrasound at five weeks. All we saw was a yolk sac.

Here is my second ultrasound at six weeks. We can see a yolk sac and a fetal pole, about the size of a sprinkle:

And here is our eight-week scan. You can see a little arm nub, although most of that line connected to the body is actually the yolk sac.

Yesterday we had our ten-week scan, and we got to see fingers, toes, spine, and umbilical cord. We got another listen at a very strong heartbeat of 160, which was difficult to get because the little gremlin would not sit still! We could see the arms and head moving all around.

Cute, huh?

As you can see, although we transferred two embryos, there is only one baby in there. We are sad that one embryo did not survive, but we remind ourselves that a singleton pregnancy is safest for momma and baby, so we are happy, content, and thrilled with our one.

I guess Mom was right

2011-03-02T20:45:00.001-08:00

http://www.npr.org/2011/03/02/134196209/study-most-plastics-leach-hormone-like-chemicals

I'm never touching plastic again.

Bits and Pieces

2010-08-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

1. Welcome, Baby Thomas! It kills me that I am missing out on the sweetest new addition to our family. I can't wait to see him. And when I get to California, everyone else better watch out, because I claim "dibs" on holding him the entire time!

2. I am trying to make our lifestyle more natural, and one of the things I have been troubled by for quite a while is deodorant. I tried the Tom's of Maine, and it didn't work, plus it was greasy. I went back to my normal, grocery-store, toxin-filled brand, but I haven't been happy about it. The other day I came across a recipe for homemade deodorant, and I happened to have the ingredients on hand, so I decided to give it a try. What do you know.... It works! So far. Here it is:

6 tablespoons coconut oil
1/4 cup baking soda
1/4 cup cornstarch or arrowroot powder

Mix the powder ingredients, then slowly incorporate the oil until you get the consistency you want. (Or, if you're like me, you throw them all together, heat it in hot water when it doesn't mix well, realize it is too runny, put it in the freezer to firm up, and add a little more cornstarch. I didn't read the instructions...)

3. On Saturday Ryan competed in an all-day team adventure race. They biked, ran, trekked, rafted, navigated, and completed other challenges. It was so fun to watch. His team got second place! I'll post pics later.

Gotta get to work now... Bye!

I got a job!!!

2010-06-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

In other news, check out this awesome rescue by our good friend Erich a couple weeks ago:

Coast Guard does mountain pickup of two men and seven dogs.

Could I be any more proud in this moment???

2010-05-11T19:40:00.001-07:00

I think not.

Click here for the news story of the day!

found words

2010-03-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

“When someone having a great day says, ‘Trust God,’ to someone in pain, it sounds like a heartless accusation. It also robs the suffering believer of the opportunity to testify about God’s grace. It’s the comforter’s job to weep; it’s the hurting person’s job, when he or she is ready, to tell others about God’s sufficiency. Too often it happens the other way around. Would-be comforters leave people weeping after ‘bearing witness’ to them that God is sufficient.”

-from The Infertility Companion

What do you think? I came across that quote today and I thought it was very insightful.

Lately I have heard the words, "God is the giver of life, doctors don't know everything" when I have shared with someone the pain of infertility. Of course I agree with the statement and I do indeed pray for a miracle. But when offered in this context, the words do feel like an accusation: "No matter what the doctor says, if you have enough faith, God will reward you with a child." And if I don't receive that miracle . . . I didn't have enough faith? I chose science over God? The person who did get pregnant had more faith than I did? I know that no one intends for their words to sound like this, but it is really hard to hear well-meaning people brush aside all of the hard medical facts with a breezy, "Trust God."

What I really need in those moments is acknowledgment of my grief, validation of my fears, and maybe a morbid joke about Ryan's killer sperm or our plan to buy a baby sometime soon. I know it's hard to know what to say when times are tough. It's ok, "I'm so sorry" is always a good place to start.

Family and friends: This is not a passive-aggressive attempt to let you know how I feel. I am not referring to anyone who reads this blog. I love you all!

Book Report

2010-03-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

Since my last book post I have read:

Wicked by Gregory Maguire
I saw live musical stage show before reading the book, so I thought I knew what it would be like. The book is much darker than the musical; at times a little long.

Ahab's Wife by Sena Jeter Naslund
Another book that is a little long. 688 pages! This is the fictional story of the wife of Captain Ahab from Moby Dick (which I have never read). It has a great opening line: "Captain Ahab was neither my first husband nor my last..." I always judge a book by the first line; it always says so much about the quality of the entire book. For my favorite first line, please take a look at Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.

Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham
At 656 pages this one is also no easy read. But it didn't seem too long; actually I was disappointed when it ended. This is one of the more thought-provoking books I have read lately; definitely my most highly recommended among those listed here.

Tisha by Robert Specht and Anne Purdy
My friend Dori lent me this book because it takes place in Alaska, and some of the places mentioned in the book were spots that we went through on our journey out here. It is the true story of a pioneer schoolteacher in the harsh Alaska wilderness. Not groundbreaking literature but a very interesting perspective on our country's wildest state.

Winterdance by Gary Paulsen
I gave this book to Ryan for Christmas because he likes true stories. This is one man's quest to run the Iditarod dog sled race (which is going on now, by the way). Written by and about the author of Hatchet. It's a pretty easy read, adventurous and informative all at the same time.

I am currently reading . . . A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway. I read this last year based on my brother Kevin's recommendation, and liked it so much that I bought it. Hemingway is one of my favorite authors, and what better subject matter than the Lost Generation of 1920's Paris? De-lightful.

So, what have you been reading lately?

Baking

2010-03-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

Whenever I bake, I think of my sisters. We used to bake together, when we were young. Chocolate chip cookies, brownies from a box mix, Grandma's cinnamon jumbles, birthday cakes, endless Christmas cookies.

I am a very particular cook, and it always makes me feel a little tense to be working in the kitchen with other people. I start over-analyzing all of my kitchen skills, wondering if the other person will be noticing all the things I am doing wrong. And, I am sometimes noticing all the things the other person does that I would do differently, but I feel awkward trying to figure out how to say, "Here, let me help you with that raw chicken on the cutting board with all those salad veggies."

But I am never more comfortable in the kitchen with others than when I am with my sisters. We all learned how to cook from my Mom (and a few things from Dad, too) so we all have the same basic cooking rules. We feel comfortable with helping each other, getting all up in each others' space, trusting each other to chop or saute or melt something so we don't have to keep one eye on them while doing our own thing. (But maybe we still do because we are nosy like that.)

So even though I prefer to cook alone, when I bake I think of my sisters.

Two funny things I saw on TV (and one unfunny comment)

2010-02-04T22:35:00.000-08:00

1. Conan O'Brien shopping for guitars on Craigslist! HA-larious. (I don't usually watch Conan, but I chanced upon the show right as this segment came on. So priceless.)

2. An EXTREMELY famous person mispronounced the word "corpsman" a couple times at the National Prayer Breakfast today. CorPSman. Corpse-man. Ha ha ha, too funny. Maybe homeboy needs a phonetically spelled teleprompter for all those strange military words. Keep practicing, Mr. CiC! I know you'll catch on eventually.

3. Is anyone else disappointed by American Idol so far? SNOOZE fest! Shall I venture to say "I miss Paula"? What else could it be??? (Simon has been charming as his classic snarky self, I will give them that much.)

Minor Annoyances

2010-01-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

1. Why do people get so excited about a huge tax return? All it means is that you let the government hold onto your money all year. It's not free money! It is your money that you earned. It would be much better if you had been able to sock that money away and at least make a little interest. Unfortunately, it's not easy to be so diligent. In the end, for some people, tax return money is like a little forced savings account. Now if only these people would stick that money into their credit card debt or invest it instead of "investing" in a new snowmachine . . .

2. Which brings me to my second point. "Invest" does not mean "spend a lot of money." It does not mean "spend a lot of money because I want my kids to be safer and I want to look cooler and I like designer bags." When you invest, you are putting resources into something with the anticipation of profitable return. You invest time in your kids because you believe it will make them better people for years to come. You invest money in the stock market, because you believe (hope) it will grow. You do not invest in a stroller or even a car. These items depreciate over time, and cars cost money to maintain. It is not an investment, it is a purchase. Nothing wrong with it, but call it what it is.

3. Everybody needs an i.Phone. What is this? Now I don't pay too much attention to expensive gadgets, so correct me if I'm wrong, but these things cost like a few hundred bucks, right? And the plan is like another hundred a month? For a phone. Sorry, I just don't get it.

(Admittedly, I wouldn't mind having one, although I do think they are a tad big.)

4. Designer handbags are a status symbol. Sorry, once again I just don't get it. Especially when the bag is basically one huge logo for the designer. Or too tiny or huge to be practical. Or just plain gaudy. For the record, I would love to splurge on a really nice bag. But if I ever do, it will not cost half my paycheck, and it will not be a sloppy, trendy mess.

5. Mac haters, Favre haters, Swimmer haters, and California haters. Enough said.

Finally, 2010.

2010-01-12T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've never been so happy to welcome a new year into my life. I love you already, 2010! Not that 2010 has done anything for me yet, or even promised anything especially appealing. But 2009 . . . was that year tragically long or what? It was definitely my worst year ever (see past blog posts for that ill-fated history). I don't even want to get into 2009's disappointing record of family losses, personal sadness, celebrity deaths, political nightmares, lame pop culture, and general suckiness.

Admittedly 2009 was a good year in a couple of ways: my sister Christine got married to an awesome guy, Richard. Congrats, Tine and Richard! You are such a cute couple. Another cute new couple is my brother Kevin and his new wife Lupe. Kev and Lups, your adorability should be illegal. What else? My one true love Ryan became an official, graduated, qualified, pinned, US Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer. I am so proud of you, Ryan! He really worked hard for this, and lots of people contributed to his success. Thanks, everyone! I also look back at lots of new job opportunities for the people in my life, and that is not a blessing to be ignored in this job market.

So now that I've been fair: 2009, I am breaking up with you. Please get out of my life.

I have found someone else, and here is what I like about 2010:

1. My new year's resolution is going well: I decided to quit skipping breakfast.
2. My marriage with Ryan is stronger than ever.
3. We get to live in the same house, with all our stuff, all year.
4. We are getting our finances really organized.
5. Nothing horrible has happened yet. (And already 12 days in! WTG, 2010!)
6. I've let go of the pressure to be pregnant by 30. Yes, that clock is ticking, but 2010 is not my year and that is OK.
7. We have hope.

Waiting for a savior

2009-12-24T12:10:00.001-08:00

Last night Ryan and I were sitting by the Christmas tree, planning our Christmas breakfast and speculating on what we would be unwrapping on Christmas morning. A few times one of us would say, "How about we open just one present now?" I was even tempted to suggest we throw tradition out the window and open them all up in one joyful, sneaky act of spontaneity.

All through the evening, we kept tempting each other to open the gifts. As we did so I was continually reminded of the symbolic significance of this time of the year. Anticipation. Looking forward to the greatest gift of all. Waiting for a savior.

When I wait for Christmas morning to open my gifts, I am re-creating, microscopically, the way that the world was waiting desperately for the Messiah. I am remembering the captivity of the hearts of mankind and the unexpected way God chose to set us free.

My favorite Christmas carol is a song of waiting. A song in the darkness, before the savior comes. "O come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel, that mourns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear." Then Jesus came to us. He "divided history" and brought us hope.

It may seem silly of me to attach such strong spiritual meaning to the presents under the tree. After all, we're adults; we're not supposed to care about presents any more. We're supposed to wish for "peace on earth" and be blessed just to have our family and friends around us. It's true. I would be happy without presents. I am overjoyed to have my dear Ryan here with me for Christmas, and many friends to share the day with. But I won't lie, I am looking forward to opening a few gifts on Christmas morning, and I am thankful this year that those gifts are giving me new eyes to see the tiny baby who changed our world.

One year ago today

2009-12-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

I almost died.

The events of that day stay with me in stark detail, jumbled snapshots burned on my brain.

Lauren in the hall is saying "Lindsay, your face is so white" and then her voice is far away and she is saying "Ryan, Ryan help me, I can't hold her up!" I wake up and I am lying on shoes.

Later I have fainted again and I am lying face-down on the bathroom rug. It is soft on my face and I don't want to get up; I can't get up.

In the ambulance the paramedic is putting another IV in my arm, so steady even though we are moving quickly. She asks me how I am feeling. She tells the driver to go faster.

The doctor sees me from far away and already knows what is wrong. There are so many nurses, like angels, over my shoulder. What I feel is not pain, not weakness. It is strange. It feels like I am disappearing. "Please help me."

In the operating room they ask me to move onto the table. I laugh to myself. I can't do it.

Finally I wake up. I am alive. I am so grateful.

To say the least it was a terrifying night. We knew I was pregnant, about seven weeks along. We could not have predicted this end. Ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing in the tube instead of the uterus, and when the tube ruptured it caused massive internal bleeding. I had no idea.

In the story of my life there is now a giant pause. My life stopped. I was in the hospital for five days. When I went home I slept almost all day, every day. Slowly I began to gain strength. It was nine weeks before I was normal again. I expected maybe to have a spiritual epiphany, having brushed closely with death. I was grateful to God because I knew I should be; I was grateful to all of the medical staff because my heart felt it intensely. It took me a long time to realize how God was revealing Himself in that time. Most significantly, He provided our friends, James and Lauren, who stood by our side so unselfishly, who were there in our greatest moment of need. God knew what I needed, and that is what He provided.

Since that day my life has rushed forward. Another ectopic pregnancy. Ryan became a Rescue Swimmer. My sister's wedding. Traveling, traveling, traveling. Moving to Alaska. Getting a job. Praying for guidance.

A year has gone by and we are once again praying that God will expand our family. We now know that it is going to be a long journey, requiring in vitro fertilization and/or adoption. Our hearts are aching but we are putting our hope in God.

One last note: A year ago today I lost half my blood volume. I received six units of blood transfusions. Six strangers, somewhere out there in the world, saved my life. I intended to give blood today in honor of those people who gave me that great gift. Unfortunately, this small island I live on has no donation facility. Instead I am adding my name to the list of on-call donors at the hospital, available in case they can't get blood from Anchorage in time. So I hope that one of you will take up the torch for me, thank God for your life today, and go save a life by giving blood.

What I've been reading

2009-12-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

Theophilus North
and
The Ides of March
A novel and historical fiction by Thornton Wilder
The first, I highly recommend; the second is a good read but not a must-read.

I, Claudius
and
Claudius the God
Historical fiction by Robert Graves
If you're interested in ancient Rome, you would enjoy these.

Conan Doyle
A biography by Julian Symons
Pretty interesting. A quick read.

Found Meals of the Lost Generation
Recipes and anecdotes from 1920s Paris by Suzanne Rodriguez-Hunter
Interesting topic and fascinating time period. Lame writing and obviously biased. I didn't finish it.

Up at the Villa
Novel by W Somerset Maugham
I liked it. Also a quick read.

The Woman in White
Novel by Wilkie Collins
Definitely not a quick read. Over 600 pages! I enjoyed it, but it got a little long toward the end. (Just resolve the mystery already!) If you're just a casual reader wanting to pick up a long, mid-1800's novel, there are much better options out there.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Novel by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
A lot of people really enjoyed this, and it is a cute little story, but I thought the writing was a little flat.

What's next?
please leave a comment if you have a suggestion.

White Christmas

2009-12-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love this movie? I have to watch it every year. It's funny, and familiar, and so lame in parts but oh, so loveable.

But I am not here to talk about that.

When I was a little girl, I used to hope and pray every Christmas Eve that we would have a white Christmas. I wanted it so badly! I never doubted that it truly could happen for us. Of course, snow never came to our house on Christmas morning. I was never disappointed; all of us were used to warm weather and we enjoyed it!

Perhaps because of these childhood hopes, the frosty weather we have had so far this holiday season has given me a sort of childish joy. Sure, the ice on my driveway still needs to be chiseled off, but when I look out my window I see snow, sometimes fluttering slowly down, sometimes blowing sideways in the wind, but always covering the ground with pure whiteness.

Here is the view from our back porch a couple days ago.

Gorgeous, right? It's even better in the moonlight. It glows!

Winter

2009-11-30T19:19:00.000-08:00

It is officially upon us.

Here in Kodiak, Alaska we've had snow for a few weeks now, but the past few days we've really had fun with snow+rain+ice! This morning we woke up to slushy, wet snow, falling gently and adding melty goodness to the compacted ice already frozen to our driveway, our cul-de-sac, and our street. It was warm today (high 30's) so I expected it to melt by the time I got home from work. Ahhh, no such luck. Here are some things I learned today out on the driveway.

1. There's a very good reason why people shovel snow. (No brainer, right?) I grew up where it doesn't snow--well, except once--so I always just assumed it was for convenience, and aesthetics. Turns out, it's for safety! When you don't clear your snow, it compacts, and melts a little, and compacts, and adheres itself to your driveway, and when you get a nice rain and a cold night, congratulations! Your front yard is a skating rink. Ryan bought me some ice cleats to slip over the soles of my shoes. Which I thought was pretty dorky, but I am seriously considering using them now. Especially since he gave me a pretty good wake-up call. I wasn't there to witness it but feature this: Ryan traipses down our porch steps, coffee mug in one hand, slice-o pecan pie in the other, hits the concrete landing and whoops! A stream of coffee like you see in slow-motion movie disasters flies through the air, and the pie hits the ground, as does Ryan's booty, and maybe his pride a little bit. But he was ok. And I am much more careful now. Thanks, Ryan!

2. There's a reason why they say shoveling snow can aggravate a heart problem. It's hard work! When it's powder, snow is all fun and games. But it turns into a big bully when a little slush gets mixed in. That crizap is heavy!

3. When the instructions on the Christmas lights say "connect no more than two strands together" they really mean it. Of course, we went ahead and connected five strands, which looked great for about three seconds until the fuse busted. (In the light, not the house.) Five fuses later, we made do with four strands and called it a day. That was lovely, for about three hours. Fuse, busted again. Poor Ryan, now he got really inventive and found another power source for one strand. And the other three, they are still all connected. Yes, we are rebels.

Another note about Kodiak . . . no one is selling Christmas trees around here! I heard that they get them at Wal-Crap a week before the big day, and they're all stale and dried out. No thank you! Someone else suggested we go out into the wilderness and cut one down. I get nervous about getting busted; I just can't do it! I come from a place where there are a LOT of rules about stealing from the woods. Therefore. We (I can't believe it) got a fake tree. Pre-lit! It was so easy to set up, and we were a little nervous at first that it would look horrible, but it really does look pretty nice. Not the same as a beautiful, piney, lush real tree. But we're happy.

blogger's block

2009-11-25T00:07:00.000-08:00

Before I had a blog, all sorts of interesting topics popped into my head quite regularly and I would think, "If I had a blog, I would write about that!" Now that I actually have one, I'm running out of things to say.

Most people gear their blogs toward a certain topic, a purpose, or journey. Or, they blog about their kids. Hmm. I tried for awhile to think of something to blog about, but I realized: I just want somewhere to speak my mind and vent. So I won't promise to write about Kodiak, or living on an island, or how awesome it is to be married to a Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer. OK, I probably will mention those things sometimes. But I'll also write about books I read, food I like to cook, beginner's ballet, running, infertility, spirituality, and pet peeves. Who doesn't like to talk about pet peeves?

Some of you may be wondering about the title of this blog. I borrowed the line from one of my favorite poems, by W.B. Yeats.

Yeats was an Irish poet who won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1923. He also wrote the poem that begins, "I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree." Try for an Irish accent in your mind when you read Yeats. Trust me on this one.